Lily Archer: On Forgiveness

ON FORGIVENESS

Again, I will opine on a topic that could be much better addressed by a psychologist:

Forgiveness.

The Poison Apples isn’t really about forgiveness. At the end of the book the “wicked” stepmothers are humanized (we realize that even though they’re flawed, they’re not necessarily evil), but that’s about the biggest realization our plucky heroines have. Question is: what do Alice, Reena, and Molly do when they hit thirty and they’re no longer dependent on their Traitorous Fathers and Wicked Stepmothers? More to the point, what do they do when their rapidly-aging Traitorous Fathers and Wicked Stepmothers start getting dependent on them? Should they still be holding grudges at this point? Or should they maybe give in and, you know. . .forgive?

All the psychological research shows (cause, you know, I’m a psychology expert) that Forgiveness Heals. Vengeance Doesn’t. People feel better when they stop being so angry. Hence the Truth and Reconciliation movement in so many countries. This research makes total sense to me. I feel so, so much better and healthier when I’m not angry with someone.

But I guess my big question is (and I would love it if people wrote it with their opinions—maybe even a psychologist? Please?): how do you forgive? I’m sold on the forgiveness thing, but how do you pull it off? In the case of a flawed stepmother who has ruined your childhood, she’s probably not going to apologize for what she did. She’s probably not going to even realize she did anything wrong. So how do you let go of your grudge? It would really be convenient if there was like an international tribunal and your stepmother held a candle and wept in front of a crowd of thousands and said: “I’m sorry, I was all wrong, I was terrible to you, I wish I could go back and do it over again.” But that’s not going to happen. Instead, you’re going to get older, and your wicked (sorry, “wicked”) stepmother is going to get older, and your white-hot anger towards her is going to

start seeming sillier and sillier.

Intellectually, I’m all about forgiveness. But how do you decide to forgive someone on a gut-level? Is deciding to forgive them enough? I mean, is that maybe what forgiveness is about?

The decision to forgive?

Thoughts? Anyone?

Comments

[Annie-- AKA, the real cinderella!]

Hey- well I have an evil step-mom, and I'm only thirteen, I can never imagine myself being able to forgive her. But as I get older, maybe it will be easier. She's hurt me so much, and realy truly, maybe she doesn't realise the damage done, but she still is an adult, and it my opinion, shes just self obsorbed! But the question 'how do you forgive'? is a mystery to me.. In many cases, you find yourself able to let things slide, and in others, you find it easier to hold a grudge. In the stepdaughters case, we must not act out our anger to the step-parent, in love of our mother/father.. but maybe once we become older and less depended, we alow ourselves too, or maybe and the same time, you just forget. And by forgetting, in a way you forgive. You leave behind the thirteen year old girl who blamed every tear on an evil step mom, who found it so easy to talk to her friends about what a 'bitch' (exuse the language) her step mom is, but then can't even find the guts to giver the evil step mom the silent treatment..
I am yet to read the book, I just ordered it.. cant wait to!

Ooh! and feel free to e-mail me at.. annie-ray-lostfan@hotmail.com..
(sorry my comment is soooo long!)

[Kiki]

Forgiveness is a great topic and of particular interest to me lately as I've been taking some (somewhat difficult) steps to become a better person; to "forgive" myself and others. I know the word "better" is vague but part of what it means to me is learning to let go of resentments and negativity that take up space in my life. So how do I forgive? I look at the situation (person, place, or thing) that I am angry at and try and figure out what MY responsibility is -- where was I at fault? how may I have harmed someone? what part did I play in that particular situation? When I stop blaming everyone / everything and claim culpability for my own actions I am able to shed some of the hostility I harbor. Is there EVER a time that I am absolutely 100% NOT at fault? Sure, but more often than not if I am seeking forgiveness chances are I owe an apology of my own! I have a step-mother who I resented for 18 years. I'm not going into all the details but I can tell you that having finally forgiven her (and myself) immediately healed the pain I suffered from all that anger!